The future is now, and it is conducive to extremely depressing, impersonal gifts for your lover. Brit Morin and TaskRabbit, a startup for lazy babies who can't use their own limbs, are promising "hassle-free romance" this year, in the form of 3D-printed roses.

What does Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel care about, other than wooing Taylor Swift and driving his Ferrari? Turning his startup into a business doesn't seem to register, and based on the newest report of security hubris, neither does protecting you from hackers. Updated

Last week, Google announced that Eric Schmidt got a $106 million bonus based on the company's 2013 performance. According to the New York Post, he hasn't wasted any time putting it to good use.

For more than five months, between August 22, 2013 and February 4, 2014, your private Instagram photos were vulnerable to hackers, according to the security researcher who let Facebook know.

Silicon Valley must now be trying to make you hate it. There's no other explanation for the "Startup and Tech Mixer," an assemblage of 2,500 San Francisco techies who sipped cocktails, networked, rode a mechanical bull, and produced some of the most nightmarishly obnoxious quotes I've ever read.

There have been two shots at bringing startups to television: Bravo's catastrophe, and Amazon's mixed bag. Now the legendary Mike Judge is taking a stab with HBO, and based on a couple preliminary dick jokes and Judge's cachet, it could actually be terrific.

Why on earth would AOL CEO Tim Armstrong blame "distressed babies" for cutting back retirement benefits? Perhaps because he has a history of flipping out when it comes to female employees with complicated pregnancies.

In the midst of the strongest quarter AOL's had in a decade, CEO Tim Armstrong blamed retirement cutbacks on the traumatic childbirth experiences of two employees. If that seemed callous (and illogical!) before, it sounds grotesque after hearing from the mother of one of the "distressed babies."

If you work at AOL, here are two people that make more money than you: Chief Executive Prickhole Tim Armstrong, and this guy, David Shing, who is currently appearing on MSNBC to discuss his aimless, ailing company. This is the face of a dying corporation, convulsing as it goes down.

The fabulous, 7th annual Crunchies—Silicon Valley's Teen Choice Awards—will kick off this coming Monday. As startup luminaries and the press converge on the Davies Symphony Hall in San Francisco, a group of angry protesters will be waiting for them.

Tim Cook won't have to worry about vibes from his corporate archenemy at home: the pad next to his is on the market, with a prominent Google exec moving out.

If you're the CEO of a startup that specializes in finding cheap, last-minute hotel rooms from your smartphone, don't send a young tech writer an unsolicited, bizarre signed photo of yourself and a bottle of wine.

Apparently money is tight at AOL, as emergency medical expenses for two complicated pregnancies are enough to justify a 401k downgrade for the whole corporation. But Tim: what about all the money you make?

What could make Tim Armstrong a worse boss, at this point? Pouring beers on his employees while they work? Here's a good start: Capital New York reports two female AOL underlings were blamed for the company's shitty new 401k plan.

Today in horrible images that'll make you beg outside a hospital for a lobotomy: Rubert Murdoch's ex is so glad to no longer be sexing Google's executive chairman. That makes seven billion of us.

The site looks different today! I know, I know—another iteration of our commenting system. I appreciate you all sticking through the perpetual flux, and I promise there's a lot of thoughtfulness at work here. Read about the vision behind Kinja from the boss of my boss, Nick Denton.

Posting secrets anonymously is an old idea on the internet, but Secret is special for one reason: so far it's completely taken over by gossiping techies, early adopters with lots of bile to unload. It's part therapy, part confession, part defamation, and it's a lot of fun to eavesdrop.

Facebook turned 10 yesterday, which means that if Mark Zuckerberg were still a middle-finger-swinging youth, he'd just be getting over his hangover. Instead, he's a perfectly groomed corporate overlord. Here's our tribute to Zuck when he was still fun—and wasted.

For the first time ever, Google has given into regulatory pressure to change its search results. Today, the company reached a settlement with antitrust regulators in the European Union, thereby "wriggling out of billions of dollars in potential fines," reports the Wall Street Journal.

Twitter just released its first quarterly earnings report. With earnings of per share of 4 cents on revenue of $243 million, the company "well surpassed" estimated revenue, however user growth has slowed. Stock dipped on the news. Perhaps Dick Costolo can use his stand-up skills during the earnings call to convince Wall Street otherwise.