Attendees at the 2014 Social Media Marketing World convention—that's a real thing!—were treated to a rousing song called "Let's Get Social," about getting social. Tickets to the event cost $1,300, and literally everyone who sat through this is now dead.

Salesforce.com CEO Marc Benioff is an egomaniacal buffoon who laughs at the plight of underpaid Walmart workers and flies the prime minister of Haiti up to San Francisco so he can thank Benioff in person, in front of 15,000 people, for being such an amazing human being. And like all buffoons, Benioff has no idea how much of a buffoon he truly is.

Dreamforce 2013 attendees sit outside and watch a DJ. Repeat after me: This is a business conference for adults, this is a business conference for adults, this is a business conference for adults, this is a business conference for adults, this is a business conference for adults, this is a business conference for adults...

In most corners of our planet, five guys with office jobs wouldn't be a gathering worth buying a ticket for—you could just show up to a bar, or batting cage. But in tech-land, five guys aren't five guys—they're a conference waiting to happen.

Most crazed collections of likeminded nuts have something you could call an agenda. Maybe it's "startup assholes drinking wine on a mountain," or "lizard people are real," or something. But I have absolutely no fucking clue what "Camp Mighty" is about.