David Shing has the kind of gig that can only exist mid-bubble, when dinosaur corporations chase Snapchat into extinction. He pulls down six figures as AOL's "Digital Prophet." He hallucinates about the future and executives receive his wisdom like hair spikes are a barometer for intelligence. These are the kind of prophecies you get from a coddled cartoon character.

What happens when you combine two dying '90s internet relics into one conglomerate of uselessness? According an activist investor at Starboard Value, a proposed merger of Yahoo and AOL could see "significant appreciation" in Yahoo's stock price and the revitalization of both brands. How exciting!

David "Shingy" Shing, the Digital Prophet of an empire built on people who never cancelled their AOL subscriptions, is a sought after speaker. He has preached the gospel of gibberish on live TV and even atop a wrecking ball. Today, he thunkfluenced "The Table" at Young & Rubicam.

Yesterday's earnings call with shareholders and reporters revealed two AOL bombshells: not only does AOL still exist, but it appears its bullying chief executive is no longer blaming the company's struggles on infirm female employees.

Expecting ethical behavior from TechCrunch is like expecting your adopted chimpanzee to not eat your face—unfair to you, unfair to the chimp. Yet, impressively, even after years of sleaze, the Silicon Valley blog of record is still finding new ways to create conflicts of interest.

If you're wondering what a Digital Prophet at AOL does to justify his existence (and salary), here is video documentation. Today, David Shing, everyone's favorite tech clown stood before a rapt audience at the TNW Europe Conference 2014, and made up a lot of words.

Austin, TX — All the brands are here, and form a chorus of undignified pleas for your attention. But why are they bothering? Nothing will beat AOL's race to the bottom like Digital Prophet and escaped muppet David Shing, wobbling on a branded wrecking ball.

The mission statement for AOL's invite-only Makers Conference sounded suspect from the start. How can a random assortment of high-profile women (and a handful of male executives) possibly presume to "reset the agenda for women in the workplace" during a private excursion at an oceanside resort?

Why on earth would AOL CEO Tim Armstrong blame "distressed babies" for cutting back retirement benefits? Perhaps because he has a history of flipping out when it comes to female employees with complicated pregnancies.

In the midst of the strongest quarter AOL's had in a decade, CEO Tim Armstrong blamed retirement cutbacks on the traumatic childbirth experiences of two employees. If that seemed callous (and illogical!) before, it sounds grotesque after hearing from the mother of one of the "distressed babies."

If you work at AOL, here are two people that make more money than you: Chief Executive Prickhole Tim Armstrong, and this guy, David Shing, who is currently appearing on MSNBC to discuss his aimless, ailing company. This is the face of a dying corporation, convulsing as it goes down.

Apparently money is tight at AOL, as emergency medical expenses for two complicated pregnancies are enough to justify a 401k downgrade for the whole corporation. But Tim: what about all the money you make?

What could make Tim Armstrong a worse boss, at this point? Pouring beers on his employees while they work? Here's a good start: Capital New York reports two female AOL underlings were blamed for the company's shitty new 401k plan.

Buried in AOL's summary of its 2014 employee benefits was a tweak to its retirement policy that the Washington Post says will "make 401(k)s worse for everyone." AOL must agree because an article about the bad corporate precedent was removed from the front page of the Huffington Post yesterday, although not from the website entirely.

Makers began as a documentary about the history of women's equality developed by AOL and PBS, but seems to have morphed into a brand of its own. Next week, Makers is hosting a three-day conference where Sheryl Sandberg, Eric Schmidt, Tim Armstrong, and others plan to "reset the agenda for women in the workplace in the 21st century."

Michael Arrington's capitalist dream will not be deferred. Even after losing cofounder MG Siegler to what looks like an indefinite international vacay, CrunchFund crunches on.

Hey, remember this guy? Among critics of Silicon Valley's virulent arrogance, you wouldn't expect Steve Case, whose own hubris ran alongside the implosion of AOL-Time Warner. But here we are in 2014, and the former CEO is a clarion voice of reason.

One half of the heavyweight duo operating Silicon Valley's industry blog of record is making his exit. After a little over two years at the helm alongside Alexia Tsotsis, TechCrunch co-editor Eric Eldon will soon depart the site. He planned to make the news official next week.

It used to be that a plodding spot on the celebrity B-list meant endorsements, sad roles, maybe a reality TV gig, or a doomed restaurant—now, of course, the best way to flaunt your former glory is with a superfluous tech company.