The perk competition between tech companies has taken a very personal turn. Google will soon start covering the cost of DNA tests "for employees and their family-members suffering from cancer," says Reuters.

Tech corporations have perfected the science of the employee perk: a lavish amenity designed to keep workers in the office and fixated on the job. The recent announcement that Facebook and Apple will pay for female employees to freeze their eggs is perhaps the most fascinating example of what's behind America's unbalanced work-is-life mindset.

Last week: Twitter's stock price plunges after a weak earnings report, and still no sign of profitability. Today, Twitter's Head of News, Vivian Schiller, enjoys a New York office "champagne tasting," provided by Moet.

Public opinion of Uber has been sliding a bit this year, but internal morale is still high—and booze-infused ski trips probably help.

Tech corporations perks are finally growing up. AllThingsD's Jason Del Rey reports that Google has spoken with Lending Club about the possibility of using its cash holdings to offer low-interest loans to Google employees.

As if the princely perk of being shuttled to and fro to your campus palace weren't enough, free gadgets and job offers have also been laid at the feet of Google employees in Saratoga as they begin their morning commute.

If you work at Facebook, your employer will already wash your underwear, cut your hair, and feed you—now it's getting into the landlord game. The Wall Street Journal says Zuckerberg will usher in the 21st century version of company towns, a place where you can never truly leave the social network.

Last year, software code repository GitHub " />received a big, greasy, $100 million investment from Andreessen Horowitz. To spend on, you know, the things that really matter.

First they came for the perks. Quirky, the product development startup that raised $68 million last September, just sent out a memo delaying the week off it promised employees in October until Thanksgiving. Between that and laying off its chief revenue officer, we're sure the "damn good party (and talent show!)" consolation prize will be a boozy affair.

Statistically, the answer is almost certainly no. I'll bet you there's no bed-that-looks-very-much-like-a-sex-swing, or in-house chef, either. If only you worked at Dropbox.

The great infantilization of Silicon Valley's employed continues.

Any company can offer a few bean bag chairs plopped around an Xbox—that's just not good enough anymore. The next big thing in closing the great Perk Gap isn't more snacks, but turning your office into a vintage arcade.

Look, I'm not saying that startup culture is generally one of spoiled manchildren and poorly prioritized money, but shelter-finding service Airbnb is looking for a full-time baker.

Dear Employees—We hope you’ve been enjoying the caviar station next to the copy center. As we complete our fourteenth round of venture capital funding, we are pleased to announce some additional workplace perks, to be added to the list outlined in the brochure you received during your month-long orientation at Nirvana All-Inclusive Beach Resort. We trust that you still have the brochure, since, like all of our corporate literature, it is made of gold.

Do you find your job, diet, and existence inadequate? If not, make sure to read this latest dispatch from the New York Times trend squad: the city's startup jockeys are spending day after day pressing "calorie-packed" things into their fat fucking maws, chugging beer, and taking naps. They'll also probably be billionaires.