Almost exactly a year ago, TechCrunch started building anticipation over Selfie.com, a website that teased some upcoming startup, but revealed nothing. Today the mystery ends, and boy is it dumb: an app called "Selfie."

On September 4th, Kevin Rose, the Digg founder turned partner at Google Ventures, sent out a series of texts to the folks who were beta testing his new photo-sharing app, Tiiny. People were curious about the similarities between Tiiny and another photo-sharing app, Cap, made by Rose's protege Danny Trinh.

The internet's app release bulletin board of record is expanding into new territory: MRA editorials, straight from the dankest depths of some godforsaken subreddit.

Jared Leto is the modern renaissance man: award-winning actor, acclaimed musician, and serial tech investor. He's only recently started hyping the latter role, but he has already charmed his way to the top of TechCrunch's favorite celeb list.

TechCrunch contributor Billy Gallagher is the latest writer for the site to make the jump into venture capital. Only this time, Gallagher is going to continue writing for the site, despite a conflict of interest so large it can be viewed from space.

This week, New York magazine profiles Re/code's Kara Swisher—attempting to parse how a rabid reporter who knows so many of Silicon Valley's secrets still enjoys the adoration of its executives. The feature also touches on the "clusterfuck" that is contemporary tech journalism.

Tinder's sexual harassment lawsuit hasn't even gone to trial yet, but TechCrunch already thinks it's a bunch of bullshit. Earlier today, tech's favorite mouthpiece published an investigation into Whitney Wolfe's lawsuit that was highly sympathetic towards her former employer. An hour later, TechCrunch announced Tinder CEO Sean Rad would be speaking at their conference in September. Hmm.

Let's talk about last night's episode of Silicon Valley, which was staged at TechCrunch Disrupt in San Francisco. In real life, the annual conference is an island of lost startups where aspirants scramble for attention while the anointed tell tales of world change and global impact, signifying nothing (because they're told by the makers of project management software).

Expecting ethical behavior from TechCrunch is like expecting your adopted chimpanzee to not eat your face—unfair to you, unfair to the chimp. Yet, impressively, even after years of sleaze, the Silicon Valley blog of record is still finding new ways to create conflicts of interest.

The biannual TechCrunch Disrupt conference series is only about money. There are interviews, the exchange of opinions, software presentations, questions, answers, and lots of visuals. But the entire production is a pyramid of money, at the bottom of which are the residents of Disrupt's "Startup Alley," a completely perfect metaphor.

Last year, TechCrunch founder and middle-finger-waving investor Michael Arrington announced he'd no longer judge the site's annual startup competition, citing the ominous influence of outside forces over the editorial process. In unrelated news, a startup he backs just won the top prize, again.

Shingy may have met his match: Justin Rosenstein looks like your typical geek gentry, but underneath the milquetoast-chic demeanor, he's bubble buzzword demon. Watch as he channels every obnoxious Silicon Valley delusion, all at once.

If you can't birth a genuinely good idea, there's a mounting body of evidence saying you should try the most deliberately stupid idea possible. How about a storage unit company that's calling itself a technology startup?

When the team behind Connect—a generically named, beautifully designed social app—won a recent pitch competition, they were ecstatic. Nabbing $200,000 and the oozing love of venture capitalists is a reason to keep living. Now let's blast some fucking electro.

Want to be a tailor, but also want $6.5 million in venture capital funding for no reason? Get TechCrunch to call you a "Made-To-Measure Men's Apparel Startup"—no one will ever know the difference!

Last night, TechCrunch rolled out the green carpet (unfortunately, I'm speaking literally here) and lit up Davies Symphony Hall to look like the inside of The Matrix in order to properly honor . . . what exactly, emcee John Oliver wasn't sure.

The fabulous, 7th annual Crunchies—Silicon Valley's Teen Choice Awards—will kick off this coming Monday. As startup luminaries and the press converge on the Davies Symphony Hall in San Francisco, a group of angry protesters will be waiting for them.

Michael Arrington's capitalist dream will not be deferred. Even after losing cofounder MG Siegler to what looks like an indefinite international vacay, CrunchFund crunches on.

What's the opposite of a lifehack? Paying for whatever this is supposed to be: TechCrunch alumnus Jason Kincaid is going all-out in the pursuit of flackdom, charging rates usually charged by powerful lawyers for less than an hour of his time.

One half of the heavyweight duo operating Silicon Valley's industry blog of record is making his exit. After a little over two years at the helm alongside Alexia Tsotsis, TechCrunch co-editor Eric Eldon will soon depart the site. He planned to make the news official next week.