Evan You don't usually see nervous startup types on national TV shows, but Colbert welcomed Snapchat co-founders Evan Spiegel and Bobby Murphy last night. His question: why do we need this? How will it make money? Their answer? Uh.

I have no idea, actually—maybe if he says nice things to you and treats you kindly? But I do know that these seven "ways" published in The Bold Italic are not it. Sorry, "tech guys."

Quarterly earnings time: Zuck's advertising trian chugga-chugged $1.46 billion in revenue for Q1, a year-over-year increase of 38-percent, with profits up 7-percent. Way to go Zuck—and let's all give ourselves a hand for making it happen.

Snapchat and Taco Bell, two of America's most unhealthy and beloved pastimes, are now together at last. Why? To make Taco Bell some money. Maybe. Even they're not really sure.

Two And A Half Men star Ashton Kutcher pours a fair amount of his money into startups. To that end, he hopped upon the TechCrunch Disrupt stage today to talk about all the money his fund has—and we hear he insisted on shutting down an entire elevator for himself to get there.

If Google wants a face computer on every paying human, it's going to have to get over its lingual prudishness immediately—because right now, the device won't recognize dirty words, and there's no way to change that. You know, because it's strapped to your face.

You might remember Rap Genius co-founder Mahbod Moghadam from that time he said "Zuck can suck my dick." Now he wants to help the world better understand current events.

Last night's launch party for Gig-It, an online sim game that essentially swaps out FarmVille's crops for rappers, was music video lavish. It looked like its backers just listened to the radio for 30 minutes, said Hire them all!, and then smoked some blow out of a rolled up bitcoin. But what... is Gig-It?

Yep, it's possible for caucasian America to be more annoying: just add a face computer. This Tumblr is doing a bang-up job of chronicling the new cyber-eyed vanguard of the nerd aristocracy.

It sure looks like it, according to the laments of one frustrated Brit—he says Dave Morin's twee Facebook respite has been bombarding his friends without permission, even after he deleted it.

Cheezburger Network, which has amassed a heap of attention (and millions in VC money) just announced it's canning 24 employees. Why? Well, they're just not making enough money. Full statement below:

Well, technically not all of it. After working as a programmer for online gaming community Meez.com, our tipster saw his scoop of the corporate money sundae reduced by 8,000,000 to 1, leaving him with just a little more than it cost to mail him this check. "Sometimes you win," he told us, "but you rarely hear about the losers."

Vine, previously known for ruining every medium of visual art, has reached new heights: an infinitely looping vision of its king, Jack Dorsey. Vanity has never looked so good—and this might be what actually makes Vine more than a niche novelty.

Last week, we reported that TechCrunch founder Michael Arrington would skip his Disrupt conference for the first time ever. We were wrong: Yesterday, he showed up on stage. It seems that whatever hiccups were getting in the way of his making an appearance have been resolved. One of those hiccups: Our own Adrian Chen.

The David Petraeus comeback tour may lead the disgraced former general through the cleansing fires of high finance, where your alleged sins can be washed away with a few stellar exits. He has been making the rounds at a number of New York-based venture capital and private equity firms and one very knowledgeable source said Petraeus is slated to announce a relationship shortly.

Former Facebook bigwig and current investor Chamath Palihapitiya isn't pulling any punches at this week's TechCrunch Disrupt, where many a punch is typically pulled. He's disgusted with what's called tech innovation now, saying "we are at an absolute minimum in terms of things that are being started."

The microblogging service that's become a newsroom staple across the world is still missing stronger, two-step security offered by Google and Facebook. Security that would've stopped companies like Burger King or the AP from being hacked. In the meantime, we've been sent this memo:

Gather round, campers, turn down the lantern, and prepare for a story from our friends at Bloomberg. A story of two rich, good looking men, ripped by the claws of fortune and fate as they struggle to create a website for other rich people. This is a true story.

There's more going on at Langley than Hellfire missile strikes and eavesdropping: the CIA has a lively presence in Silicon Valley. The most recent cash-drop? The spook VC is cozying up with a company that helps manage data for the likes of Walgreens and Best Buy.

The Wall Street Journal has anointed will.i.am and MC Hammer (cofounder of the failed, Michael Arrington-backed startup DanceJam) as judges for its "Startup of the Year" competition. Because Startupland is a contest and life is a joke.