Cash! The WSJ says "the Yahoo board has approved a deal" to make this happen, and it's hard to imagine Tumblr turning this down. One of the most unpopular companies in the world will soon own one of the most popular in history, and we'll all find out if you really can buy cool.

Super-local news isn't paying what they thought it would, and Patch continues to implode. Today is a bloodletting day.

Who knows what Marissa Mayer will reveal once her mic is turned on. But the timing is sure terrific.

Two years ago, Tumblr's overabundance of porn was well-documented. Today, nothing has changed: it's still a JPEG sex bonanza. Which is A-OK with us—but what would Yahoo do about the blowjobs, wrist-slitting, racism, and other advertising-unfriendly stuff?

That didn't take long! Last Wednesday, Bang with Friends—the app that lets you find which of your Facebook friends are down to bone—released an iPhone and Android version of the service. But Apple has already booted it out. Cofounder and CEO Colin Hodge told Valleywag that he's working with Apple to get the app, which recently crossed the million user mark, back in the iPhone's warm embrace.

IPO price: $38. Today's price: $26.

Former Groupon chief Andrew Mason is either having a nervous breakdown or a spiritual reawakening: "I spent a week in LA earlier this month recording Hardly Workin', a seven song album of motivational business music targeted at people newly entering the workforce."

New rumors that Yahoo is eyeing Tumblr for a mega-pricy acquisition are startling at first. It'd be an expensive, desperate plan. But if you look over the company's past, you'll see history repeating itself—and a trail of blood.

Yahoo has a problem: it has no idea what it's doing, or how it's going to do it (outside of teenage dream hires). Some people who claim intimate knowledge say the company is going to do it by throwing a serious Hail Mary in its quest for cool: buying Tumblr for $1,000,000,000. That's one billion.

Yesterday's Google I/O keynote—a tech Nuremberg of fanboyism, developer jargon, and fancy new features for Gmail—dragged on for hours. Those thousands who sat patiently in their chairs were rewarded with a brand new, $1,300 laptop—including reporters whose job it is to impartially cover Google. Let's see who took the bait.

Twitter co-creator whose real name is actually Biz Stone has a new project called "Jelly." No one knows what it is, other than an epicenter of vagaries and tech intrigue. Now it's got big, rich new investors. Whatever it is.

Betwixt colonizing Mars and electrifying automobiles, Elon Musk just got Goldman Sachs to cover $500 million in leases for his side gig installing rooftop photovoltaics. One Elon to rule them all, one Elon to fly them, one Elon to bring them all and in the solar power bind them.

Before he was one of the most powerful VCs in the world, Peter Thiel created PayPal, which deals in real dollars and boomed accordingly. If you think this might make him wary of unregulated internet funny money, you're wrong: $2,000,000 wrong.

There's not much to say about Tech Cocktail, and the firm says that little bit itself: it's "a media company and events organization for startups, entrepreneurs, and technology enthusiasts." Networking stuff. Simple stuff—and something apparently worth a giant investment from the head of Zappos.

The only thing worse than actually investing in the Facebook IPO is probably thinking you'd invested in the NASDAQ stinker, when in fact the cash was stolen from you as part of an international scam. Let's take a trip to New Jersey.

In this week's dispatch from the Randi Zuckerberg e-zine, the verbal equivalent of a plastic bag of chopped up coupons, we're getting some solid advice for the workplace: google your boss, and don't sleep at your desk instead of going home. We'll break it down for you.

Ashton Kutcher's panel at this year's TechCrunch Disrupt had at least one very interested party glued to the livestream. On stage, the actor-capitalist and his business partner Guy Oseary, Madonna's manager, confirmed rumors that they were seeking investments for their VC fund, A-Grade Investments, at a $100 million valuation—humblebragging they were raising "enough money."

The fact that an article about how to hug women is on the front page of Hacker News tells you pretty much everything you need to know about Hacker News.

Yahoo doesn't do much these days except buy silly startups and gather mounds of traffic from parents who don't know how to change their homepage. The company needs a new direction—and it's... more advertising? Oh no.

CharityBuzz has announced the winner of the most expensive cup of coffee you've ever had in your life with Apple CEO Tim Cook. A newcomer known only as "a********s" came out on top with $610,000 bid. Congratulations, Mr. assssssss?