Come in, close the floating glass door behind you and take a seat on the purple mitt chair. Laugh and high-five me as I tell you this: After a period of exponential growth from a single formica table into the hall of mirrors you find before you, the company has to rightsize.

The mega-valuable company that makes your laptop is under congressional scrutiny this week for offshore tax-dodging. It all started in 1980, when Apple's California execs moved their operation to Ireland with a fake company with the codename "Waldwill Limited."

The kind of CEO who posts dick pics of clients and orders his cofounder (and girlfriend, at the time) to “kiss the ring and listen to my billion dollar guidance,” does not go gently into that startup graveyard, even if his company is imploding around him.

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer is plowing through a media tour with her newly adopted internet son David Karp. On everyone's mind is how Tumblr will reconcile its vast collection of rape porn GIFs with tween-friendly advertising—and the duo doesn't have much of an answer.

A staple of the Gilded Age 2.0 startup party, beyond custom stickers and a GIF photo booth, is the novelty cocktail. At last night's "Shin Digg" (get it?) in New York, the chic aggregator was serving gin-based middle fingers to one of its vocal critics.

Tim Cook's grand scheme to avoid American corporate tax rates was just revealed as a little more absurd, with a new report by the New York Times. The (Californian) company is using (Irish) dummy companies to funnel cash to (Manhattan) bank accounts.

We all know about Marco Arment's "not yacht rich" fortunes from Yahoo's microblog bailout, but what about the venture moneybags? How did the investors get in return for writing checks? A lot.

Today's congressional hearing on Apple's Irish tax-dodging has included a lot of impressive browbeating—it's nice to see Tim Cook taken to task. What doesn't help the issue is Senator John McCain chuckling with Cook about how his gosh darn iPhone updates apps all the durn time.

Bill Allison, the editorial director of the Sunlight Foundation, looks at the lobbying and campaign finance records relating to Apple as its CEO, Tim Cook, appears before a Senate Committee.

Insecure code-slinger Marco Arment was an original employee at Tumblr, when it was just two dudes in a room. He wrote a nostalgic little post yesterday about the company's rise to Yahoo's pocketbook, with one important conclusion: he's rich too. OK? Very rich. Not yacht rich, but rich. OK?

The world's most popular room-renting service is now illegal in the largest city in the United States, CNET reports. This could be a setback.

If you run one of the most massive operations in the history of modern capitalism, here's a handy tip: funnel your money to Ireland with a series of shell companies, and you'll pay a tax rate of two percent. It's saved Apple $74 billion over the past three years.

If you enjoy Tumblr's extensive selection of rape fantasy, underage girls, and women having sex with a variety of fauna, good news: Marissa Mayer just said she's keeping Tumblr NSFW.

From what I can gather from the not-really-streaming livestream, the presenters had come to praise Flickr, not to bury it.

Business Insider got its hands on a pitch deck from Tumblr that promises brands will be "front and center" through in-stream ads that look like normal posts, as opposed to David Karp's insistence on restricting ads to only the "Radar" and "Spotlight" sections of the platform. But upset otherkins don't have Yahoo to blame.

Despite all the excited shouting, there's nothing particularly cheerful about Yahoo's maternal adoption of David Karp. Users are whining, investors are disappointed, pundits are ever-unimpressed, and Karp just gave up the future of his life's work for a bailout.

One reason there aren't enough H-1B visas for foreign software engineers? They have to compete with fashion models. Bloomberg says models are twice as likely to get their visas as programmers—proving that no matter where you're from, life is just like high school.

As Yahoo and Tumblr remembered the nineties by negotiating their deal in the press, almost every acquisition report quoted the same figure, first reported by Forbes in January: Tumblr made $13 million in revenue in 2012, with the "hope" that it would get to $100 million in 2013. But a source familiar with the company told Valleywag that Tumblr's actual revenue (not bookings) in 2012 was less than $5 million.

The golden era of burrito delivery approaches: Bloomberg reports that Seamless and GrubHub will soon team up as one company. The two sites are pretty much the same—soon they'll just be larger. No word on a new name.

How many times can you confirm a piece of news? One more time! Yahoo's Marissa Mayer just announced the $1.1 billion deal over conference call and cheeky GIF-enabled press release. Yes, more ads are coming to Tumblr.