There is no such thing as hell. No—if you commit infanticide and then detonate a suicide bomb in a museum, this music video from Dave "You Lying Bitch!" McClure's VC firm is what you see instead, for eternity.

If you thought Google co-founder Larry Page sounded horribly sick last time he spoke, it's because he's recovering from an extremely rare form of vocal cord paralysis, which stifles speaking and breathing. Now Page is going public with his illness.

Square's selfie auteur Jack Dorsey just unveiled a new cash register stand that ought to be very helpful for tech-savvy small business people. But what's essentially a plastic case for an iPad was enough to draw a crowd SF tech reporters at 8 am.

When your $20,000,000 luxury townhouse is undergoing renovations, there's only one option: shack up in one of the most expensive hotels in the United States for two years. While waiting for your mega-decadent Game of Thrones wedding. This guy's life!

You don't know Roger Dickey's name, but you know his creation: Mafia Wars, that incredibly popular, spammy hybrid of virus and videogame once played by millions, that polluted your Facebook feed some years back. Now, he's got a new project on the way—a vague "dating coach" service—and it's already annoying people: its own employees.

Larry Yu, who helped Mark Zuckerberg talk to his millions of cranky users and slobbering reporters for the past half-decade, just exited.

No, it's not just you—this headline doesn't really make any sense. And yet that's explanation from TechCrunch's Josh Constine, the FB communications team who moonlights as a blogger. It's not Facebook's fault that nobody wants to phone Home. Blame those seductive iPhones.

From the tip box, an anonymous AVOS alum has nothing nice to say:

When rumors first crossed the nerd wire that Facebook vet and inveterate party boy Sean Parker was finally settling down in a medieval themed wedding, he was quick to correct. Really, where would anyone ever get the idea that his wife-to-be is obsessed with Game of Thrones?

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: After years of unethically covering the industry which his girlfriend advertises for a living, New York Times tech elder David Pogue attempted the impossible by trying to make an honest woman of a PR rep: the two married this weekend in California.

FWD.us is playing an old Washington game: hit both sides of the aisle to get what you want. In this case, it's buying ads for right-wing candidates who happen to also support "immigration reform" of some kind. Billionaire investor Elon Musk has had enough.

It can't be easy to work at Zynga, a fallen star whose games are out outmoded and share price is slipping. I guess one day you wake up and just decide, Fuck it, today will be the day I organized a footrace through NYC traffic.

It's pretty hard to bomb a middling startup conference in Nebraska, and yet blowhard venture capitalist Dave McClure did just that today in a rambling, faux-edgy, profanity-crusted rant about nothing. I think he lost the audience somewhere around when he called one member a bitch for no reason.

Kirk McDonald, CEO of digital advertising firm PubMatic, took to the WSJ's op-ed section to deliver one message: he's the coolest fuckin' boss you'll never meet, and it's your fault, trembling college senior, that you're not going to be his next employee.

AllThingsD's Liz Gannes says Google, frustrated by the fact that no one really cares about NFC or wireless payments yet, was preparing to just throw up its hands and make a plastic card. Like all of the other plastic cards we've been using since the advent of the plastic card. Now that plan's over with.

YouTube made Chad Hurley and Steve Chen rich as Saudi kings after they sold it off to Google. They had the chance (and money!) to build anything they wanted—and they did, a brand new company called AVOS Systems. Two years later, and it seems the YouTube duo were a one hit wonder.

Your job could be worse: HuffPo has the woeful story of one Intel employee with a 'Kick Me' sign on his back. His coworkers followed the instructions. Followed them until he wept, bruised of ego, bruised of buttocks.

Babblr is a simple idea: an IM add-on for Tumblr, so you can chat with your GIF and pro-ana pals without leaving the site. It proved to be a popular idea, too: so many people downloaded Babblr that its servers crumpled. Now the team has a solution! They're going to spam you and ask for money. Uh. No.

Techno-libertarian VC king Peter Thiel just promised $2,000,000 to kids in love with software. For scholarships? Nah—they get they ditch their education and form startups instead.

Infographics are one of the worst things about having eyes, and like photos of venereal diseases, I will try to avoid posting them here whenever possible. This slide, however, from some hellish marketing presentation, does a good job making a nightmarish point: we've got a major startup surplus.