TechCrunch just changed industry apologetics forever, permitting (inviting?) Facebook billionaire Sean Parker to post a nearly 10,000-word self-serving, unintentionally hilarious screed in defense of his tacky forest-nymph-themed wedding. He says he's been media-lynched and libeled by "inaccurate, derivative stories" without "fact checking or sourcing."

You monsters. Shame on you. A Facebook billionaire wants to nudge a few redwoods in the comfort of his own forest, and you think less of him for it? I'm disgusted—and so is Sean Parker, who says he's being "spat upon" and "hunted" by "psychopaths" ever since he got hitched.

Fresh off of pissing money across pristine California redwoods, garland emperor Sean Parker is ready for a new venture: your lungs. Your sweet, delicate lungs.

No one knows what Palantir—named after a magical rock in Lord of The Rings that granted remote vision—exactly does. But we know enough to know it's not just another California startup. The secretive data-mining company works directly with the American government, has a product named "Prism," and some very close ties to Facebook, one of the NSA's top targets.

It's true, this wasn't a Game of Thrones wedding. It was a Game of Thrones, Lord of The Rings, Avatar crossover wedding. And it certainly wasn't "subtle." This brand new photo will either make you weep or gag.

Oh, Sean. This isn't how you get people on your side.

So you want to put a giant construction site inside an ancient redwood forest so you can have artificial ruins on your wedding day. Fine. It'll take a lot of money. It also helps if the most powerful people in the state are sitting on those ruins.

When California regulators told Sean Parker that the elaborate, Tolkienesque set for his wedding wasn't permitted, he went along anyway. Was this just eco-oversensitivity? Nope: Parker's grotesque ceremonial mound was a redwood-damaging, erosion-spilling indulgence.

It turns out you can't evade the long, eco-regulatory arm of the law just because you're Sean Parker. Well, you can, but it'll cost you two and a half million dollars: the Mercury News says the environmental impact of his fantasy wedding set comes with a big monetary settlement. A Parker always pays his debts.

It may not be the forest cosplay fest we all had our fingers crossed for, but we'll take what we can get. Former Facebook prez and impenitent tech party boy Sean Parker is officially hitched to Daenerys Targaryen.

Polish your Dothraki blade and down some... Game of Thrones wine (?), because it looks like the lavish Parker/Lenas fantasy wedding has hurdled California's pesky permits. A mere construction code violation will not stop the bedding ritual of a mega-rich Facebook investor.

When your $20,000,000 luxury townhouse is undergoing renovations, there's only one option: shack up in one of the most expensive hotels in the United States for two years. While waiting for your mega-decadent Game of Thrones wedding. This guy's life!

When rumors first crossed the nerd wire that Facebook vet and inveterate party boy Sean Parker was finally settling down in a medieval themed wedding, he was quick to correct. Really, where would anyone ever get the idea that his wife-to-be is obsessed with Game of Thrones?